Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest