Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.