Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
anyone else like Italian cereal
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.