Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)