Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real