Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.