@Jandalize: Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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@nickcreelman: Coworker: it's dark already Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes CoW: it's only 5 'o clock Me: I KNOW DAN CoW: it's early Me: THAT'S HOW EARTH WORKS
@iwearaonesie: wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"
@AK_Holica: Does anyone else's belt turn into a Rubik's cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?
@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.