Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You Might Also Like
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit