Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.