I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Imagine having a party on purpose.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.