Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
You Might Also Like
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey