Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
for all #parents out there
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I…do not understand how electricity works.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.