Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*skinny dips into black hole
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube