Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.