Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Breaking news:
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.