FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.