***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions