[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”