ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
You Might Also Like
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
How high do the levels go?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.