@FredPollack: Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Audenary: Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe? Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information. (Pause) Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?
@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
@5hael: *smashes car through your living room* Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.