@FredPollack: Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.
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@GrabTheWEness: [Weather Channel Secret Memo] To technical crews: If blizzard doesn't reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
@DistractedMomma: Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.
@iLikeCatShirts: *throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.