Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?