Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.