@marcia_bee: Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
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@ArfMeasures: MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out? ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther MAFIA BOSS: wtf I'm asking if he was blown away ME: Oh definitely, it's a pretty awesome movie
@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.