10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*watches the world burn*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
🔦🌙👣
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.