No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.