Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m listening
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
same energy
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.