I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”