“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Risking my life for fun.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”