Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt