People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.