Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I love the honesty
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
This is me 🤣🤣
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks