Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Plant care tips
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”