Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go