My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
house sitting!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot