[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
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6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
This is a true ally.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets