Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.