Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed