fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You Might Also Like
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.