– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
groan^2
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Why is everyone getting married at me
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……