Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.