Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not