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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
dads on road-trips be like
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?