“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.