@duplicitron: Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
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@rolldiggity: Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.
@beeftweets: I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.
@XplodingUnicorn: Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home? Me: I don't even think about work at work.
@KyleMcDowell86: Why do u wanna work at Burger King? *imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king* "I haven't taken my meds in weeks"