The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!