@RandiLawson: Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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@SteveSuckington: [first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
@RorynotRoy: Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.
@KellieMounce: Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.
@david8hughes: [turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here