@RandiLawson: Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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@madeleinesweet: *on the subway* CUTE GUY: [mouths “hi”] PRETTY GIRL: [mouths “hi” back] ME, IN BETWEEN THEM: [exaggeratedly mouths "YOU GUYS LIKE HOTDOGS"]
@TheMichaelRock: I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha. Sorry, you guys.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I wish I was a little bit taller GENIE: done M: I wish I was a baller G: done M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics G: done M: dammit