@RandiLawson: Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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@AaronFullerton: "Honey, remember our first date?" "Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?" "No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."
@ericbove: From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.