Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Rooting for the overdog
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Check out the legs on this baby
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines