Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The Book. The Movie.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’d hang this in my house.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids