Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Going to church you guys need anything
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My typo game is string.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project