Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
You Might Also Like
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Cardio Made Easy
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.