FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
OH. COME. ON.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Probably my best painting.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.