Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
😲 WTF? 😆
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
TRAIN’S HERE
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.