[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
You Might Also Like
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
🤣😈🤣
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.