[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond